It’s Okay to Limit Yourself

A few years ago, I heard a famous cable radio psychotherapist scold a caller for not wanting to go to a baby shower because she had recently suffered a miscarriage. I listen to this program while driving and try to guess the “answers”. I was certain I had the answer “right”. Much to my surprise, the host told the caller she was selfish and needed to allow other people’s happiness even when her own life didn’t match.

Had that caller been my client, I would have told her to send a gift and stay home and do something that would comfort her. There is no reason to attend a celebration when your loss is so raw and so recent. If it was a year later, that would be different. This was within weeks of her loss.

Another thing not to do is to go to a wedding while you are in the middle of an divorce. From personal experience, it is extremely difficult to sit among supportive guests celebrating a new union - a new future when your dreams and falling apart.

In is unwise to place yourself in situations while you are still in the midst of a loss or recovery yourself.

The same goes for someone just out of rehab.. Probably not the best idea to go to a party at a bar to see friends.

There are other ways and times to connect with people besides the way you have been invited to experience them. You owe it to yourself to take care of you - especially during tender times. Perhaps the holidays with certain people are exhausting for you? Just because it’s a holiday does not necessarily mean you have to spend it with people who drain you - even if they are family. Especially if you have children under the age of five, driving here and there can be exhausting and intrusive on the necessary naps. It’s okay to let people know what won’t work for you this time.

The idea that you “should” do something is fascinating. If we followed all of the probable “should’s” that our nagging inner voice can conceive, we’d all be left at home in a puddle of question marks, unsure of what to wear much less do. We’ll be talking about the “should” voice again in other blogs.

For today, we are focusing on setting limits. In addition to the limits we set for events, let’s include limits we set on any input involving all five senses.

Let’s be careful about what we watch, read and see. Let’s be intentional about what we touch, hear and feel. All of this is under our direct control. Science tells us that what we reinforce influences our thoughts. Let’s be sure we reinforce things (input) that are healthy and appropriately timed. We aren’t victims unless we determine to be one.

Remember that you can control your thoughts, reactions and decisions. These all lead to your emotions and feelings.

Here’s to happy limit-setting!