How To Have A Fight
It’s easier than you think to have a fight - no special training is needed. For adults, one guaranteed method is to start off by saying “You always” or “You never”.
“You always think you’re right”, “You never want to do what I want to do”, “You never listen to me” are some of the popular “you’s” to use.
For kids, telling a parent “You’re mean” or “You don’t love me” works pretty well, too. That’s because most parents will think they need to respond to that and thus begins the battle of wills in search of a win.
“I” statements work really well here. Instead of saying “You never do what I want to do”, try “I’m feeling frustrated that we haven’t made more joint decisions”. Replace “You need to stop and get milk on the way home” with “We’re out of milk - I’d appreciate it if you could get some milk on your way home?”
Another spectacular way to have a fight is to not look at the person who is speaking. Keep your eyes on your phone, your book or the fireplace. Do anything to show the listener that they aren’t even worth looking at. People over 14 will have a more difficult time thinking you’re trying to start a fight because these folks grew up with devices in their hands and are quite used to focusing on a screen and calling over their shoulders to a speaker.
Remember that it is not only polite but respectful to look the other person in the eye as you speak. Stay in the room, don’t continue talking as one of you walks out of the room. Is it hard to look someone in the eye? Then look toward their face.
What if options 1 and 2 fail? Then it’s time to bring in the old favorite: a negative assumption. Do not hold the other person in high regard. Do not believe the best in the other person. Do not consider the possibility that the other person had good intent.
“Were you texting your old girlfriend again??”, “What did you buy for $42.67 today??”, “The portal says you didn’t turn in your homework - you’re grounded!”, “Why weren’t you there when I called!!” “You didn’t return that borrowed item to me because you are trying to keep it!!”
If we approach our interactions with others from the lens of positive regard, we won’t be tempted to look at them suspiciously. first. Ask a question before jumping to a conclusion and be sure to use a calm tone. Bring in the “I” statement as your friend. “I saw on the bank statement there was a $42.67 purchase as the cigarette shop” - don’t assume there is a guilty party.
