How to Pivot From Narrator Parenting
This follows my February 2 post about Narrator Parenting where I asked if you were a Narrator Parent. In this follow-up, I share ways to shift your approach and become a more successful communicator with your kids.
Mind your tone. Remember that raising your voice is to evacuate the building, not to communicate with people. If kids sense you are about to lecture, you’ll be tuned out.
Check your face. Kids are pretty observant and if your resting face looks sour, you might want to practice in the mirror more. (If people ask you if you’re mad when you’re not, that’s a hint.)
Less is more. Especially in an emergency. “Stop!!” Getting your toddler out of the road and back to safety is the goal. After you do so, you can walk them along the lot perimeter and practice stepping where they are supposed to be. For regular situations, deliver your message in short phrases.
Show don’t tell. This follows along with number 3 and is a valuable skill. Show your kids how to use scissors, don’t just tell them. Same with where things belong - walk them to the location where their shoes go and then say “here is where we keep our shoes”. Same with cleaning - do it alongside them first.
Validate their emotions. You don’t have to agree with what is said or felt in order to validate - you’re seeing the situation through the eyes of your child. “This is hard”, “That sounds so frustrating”, “Those are big feelings”. Bonus points: when you validate emotions, kids feel heard and loud situations de-escalate. All because you let your child know you heard.
Resist the urge to say “See?” Let reality do the teaching. They refused to bring their jacket and let you know they’re cold. Instead of saying “That’s what happens when you don’t bring your coat”, try “I’d be cold, too.” (This concept is part of Dr. Kevin Leman’s Reality Discipline philosophy that I have followed and taught for 35 years - well worth pursuing!)
Check In. If you are having a longer conversation (using short phrases), remember to pause and check in with your child. What do they understand so far? Do they have any questions? Their opinion should be welcomed as long as they use a respectful tone.
Whenever a parent begins using a new approach, I like the idea of sitting on the floor with the kids and introducing the concept. Let them know the purpose of what you’re doing is to be a closer family - the team your kids are always going to be on no matter what - and that you are learning right along with them. Followed by lots of hugs and love-yous.
PS this works with adults, too.
