Managing Transition Time in Co-Parenting
This is perhaps the hottest topic in co-parenting. It seems like no matter what is written in a decree or parenting plan, shifting children back and forth each week disrupts the rhythm of at least one household if not two.
How parents address transitions reveals the quality of their parenting as well as their mindsets. Sadly, far too many are self-absorbed or out for vengeance.
In order to make the transitions from one home to another, there are a couple of baseline truths to understand that will not change:
The split between parents was not the choice of the child yet they are the ones who will live with the consequences
Your child has lost 50% of time with both parents 100% of the time and will experience ongoing loss
Therefore, the NUMBER ONE MINDSET in co-parenting needs to be to put the children first. Not your happiness. Not your anger. Not your new love life and certainly not whatever happens regarding money.
With these four items set aside, we are left focusing on the shake-up some very young ones experience. They have yet to acquire their full vocabularies or emotional regulation so they are often left seeking attention negatively. The more understanding and validating the parents are, the better your child will adjust. This doesn’t mean giving in or bribing, but it does mean acknowledging and labeling their emotions and difficulties.
For older kids, acknowledging and validating emotions continues to be essential. Let your kids of all ages know you are there to talk and always care. It’s helpful to let them know that while the love you once had for their other parent has changed, the kind of love parents have for their kids is unshakeable and they are your number one.
Parents need to focus on the changes children are experiencing rather than their own comforts or dating life. When it’s your turn to have the kids, make them a priority, You will have plenty of other open times for your personal interests and can get babysitters then.
Supporting universal well-being will make children’s lives - not to mention transitions - smoother. This means consistent bedtimes and routines, shared agreements with technology rules and homework support. Isn’t the goal the well-being of your child whether they sleep at your house or not?
Even though you no longer wish to be the marital partner of your co-parent, you are linked as parenting partners forever. Do what you both can to hold each other in high regard and give your children permission to love that other parent - no matter how much of a dirt bag you may think they are. Children must never hear any negative comments coming from your lips about the other parent because they know they came from you both. They deserve your respect.
How will you know if you are doing a good job? Ask yourself each day if you are putting your children ahead of your needs and be sure to sit with them and talk. You’ll see it in their eyes.
