Not All Family Is Safe Family
I currently live in Minnesota, a state famous for residents being “Minnesota Nice”. It means they will be nice to you in public but they won’t be your friend. I say that’s because so many Minnesotans live near extended family. With so much family around to spend time with, there isn’t much time left for friends. If you come from a small family or have lived in other areas of the country, it is easy for you to notice this loyalty to family.
Without exception, people who tell me about all of the family activities they participate in comes the side story about the one or two prickly relatives that often make such time together a challenge. Since I don’t have a lot of family and have been exposed to cultures in different parts of the country, I get confused and ask why this Minnesotan continues to spend time with relatives who appear toxic. The answer is always the same, “Because they’re family.”
Apparently, a lot of people think that “family” means giving others a pass on their words, behaviors or actions. They struggle to separate the family concept from behaviors ranging from rudeness to domestic violence. Sadly, sometimes their struggle is compounded because other family members stick their noses in and assert that they still need to spend a holiday with a relative who molested them because “that was years ago” and “everyone should get along” for the sake of the “family”.
Couple the “family” mantra along with a misconception of the 10 Commandments and you can see how some people put themselves in jeopardy. Being a “good” “church going” person can be confusing if we don’t ensure we really understand the tenants of faith. As a former family pastor, I saw misinterpretation and guilt often rule.
The 5th Commandment informs us to “honor our fathers and mothers so it will go well with us.” It does not say we have to agree or spend time with them if they are acting immorally or illegally. The beautiful thing I’ve found is that a parent can be honored and not be a part of your everyday life. You can honor their role in creating your life and the idea of what a healthy parent can be without embracing a relationship with a dangerous or evil parent.
The same goes for any other relative. The idea of a relationship with grandparents sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? A caring generations with wisdom and experience to teach old family recipes and support you. A loving aunt or uncle who is like a second parent and champions you. A brother or sister who wants the best for you and has your back. All of these are lovely ideas and often, don’t prove true.
I often hear disbelief in a family member who appeared to care more about money or substances over relationships. Or care more about self or cheating, or abuses parental support. On and on it goes. The options are endless.
If we could extract ourselves from the expectation that family will be wonderful, we can adjust to disappointments and hurts when family does not prove to be true.
I don’t want any client to spend a lifetime in grief because they didn’t get the loving family they dreamed of. Or a lifetime hoping they will change. People show us who they are by their acts. Accepting that is the first step in moving ahead and living well. The next step is reaching out and being the kind of person you wished for in your own families, whatever they may be.
PS, did you know that you can forgive someone and choose not to spend time with them ever again? The key is ensuring you are not living in or nursing bitterness. More on this later.
