Yes, Words Matter
Do they ever.
You’re talking to a word fiend. Wordsmith. Meaning-finder. Being intentional about the use of words is both a benefit and a curse to interacting with me. If you are defensive, you aren’t going to like it when I challenge the words.
Not only do the words we use matter, but the tone and facial expressions matter, too. Think about someone screaming “I love you” with a contorted face of anger. That’s an outrageous example, but a realistic one is the way some people say “I’m sorry”. Sometimes they say “Sorry”. When my kids were growing up, I wouldn’t let them get away with that. Sorry is just a word. We need it linked to ourselves to take responsibility. Also, if you are saying “I’m sorry” and follow it with a “but” you really aren’t sorry. When we are fully apologizing, we are taking responsibility for our own actions, not excusing or defending them because of what someone else did or said.
“I can’t do this” is one of my pet-peeve phrases. It’s friends are versions of “this will never work” and "things always go wrong”. All of these indicate a mindset of failure ahead of time. Just because the first time you went skiing, you fell a lot doesn’t mean “you can’t ski”. It means you fell a lot the first time. Your last diet didn’t work doesn’t mean you can’t lose weight - it means that diet didn’t work. You follow?
No one can predict the future. If we use negative current experiences as our template, we will stop being curious and hopeful and condemn ourselves.
Think about the words we’ve all heard about that parents actually said to their child: “I wish you were never born”, “Your brother is so much smarter”, “Don’t be like her”, “You were an oops”, “Don’t get fat!”, “Your always so clumsy”. “That’s not the way to do it!” On and on the list goes. Messages like these keep therapy offices full.
Speaking of words mattering, let’s use kind words in our thought bubbles and match them with an equally kind and supportive tone. Even if you grew up with negative tones, you get to change the voice in your head to one of love and support. And, you get to do the same with those you speak to.
